what it used to be*

when i think of you..
i think of the endless phone conversations.the hugs everytime i see you!...
the songs.the moments we spent. the walks. the drives.the tears that you wiped away..
i could tell that all this ended so fast...it was so unexpected.
why?
there isn't answers...cause you don't know
i could say that i love you....i could say that fast and i easily..but then i can't your with her...you "love her"...but why is it that when i see you..i still see that dazed look the one that you thought you had for her....i have went through other guys..trying to find the comfort i felt with you....the feeling of relief. you never ever ever told me that i was last....
i should have been more honest with you..i should have told you how i felt completely
that night...that you said all that stuff..that you couldn't talk to me anymore.
you said you couldn't...not that you didnt want to.
i could say that i want you to get hurt like me...but i wouldn't wish that on anyone...cause you know....im still hurting...cause of the fact that you never made it easy..wasn't a clean break....and there wasn't anyone here to save me....
your the only one i knew like the back of my hand...
but i if i just breathe....
yeah i have to...because what if i don't..where will that leave me?
alone hurting..
you know that for everyone that hurts you there is someone there to pick you up...
yeah....
promises get broken..and everyone gets hurt at least once in their life...
and i have thought about that...
you know i have spent this whole blog..blaming you.
thats not my intentions....cause i am at fault for thinking that you were something special..im at fault for caring too much
i have learned something over the past year...that is that i can't get too close to fast....i have a wall
it is a shade of gray because i am not completely against letting someone in..but it will take some time
you taught me many lessons.
i let you walk on me.
i let you make me believe.
i let you let me want you.
and most of all
i let you break me.
these are things that i won't do again.
it has taken me a long time to learn all this
and you know that i haven't learned completely.
cause it takes more then time..it takes that one person proving that they will not hurt me..
and it takes me..letting that one person in.
i will always love the person you WERE!.
thats not who you are now.

Lost1

If everything in life was easy it would not be worth living. Some people handle living, or problems better then others..and some people just avoid the whole thing...in order to be good at something you must over come hills, bumps,mountains or any other sort of obstacle.
Its inevinable that you are going to run into something. I want everything to be perfect all the time....but when i get influenced i seem to lose track of life..and this past month i lost track of life so bad that i don't know where i am...like a lost person in the middle of the ocean with one paddle..i caught myself on a downward slope as one friend told me...but it took me barely holding on to another friend to realize this...and it was a friend that would kill me if i ever lost completely.
when i started all this i felt as if i were just experimenting...well there is a difference between that and repeativly doing it...
im trying to find my way to shore.....but its a long journey...one that will take lots of work.
but it will be worth it when i find what i want to be..and when i know that the people that mean the most are still waiting to dry me off..and look back and say that i have come a long way.